Okay. So to those that know me quite well, it’s no secret that I am not at all fond of country music. I have never preferred it, and still don’t, and never will, and that’s okay because at least the one thing everyone is entitled to is getting to choose what kind of music they do and don’t like. I mean honestly.
So. In the past few years I have decided that I’m pretty affably indifferent about it now. I mostly don’t really like country music, but I have heard some that I actually do like, and most have good music, vocals, etc. I’m not going to try and say that it isn’t good music, because whatever.
But here’s the thing. Every day at work I hear country music nonstop for sometimes up to five hours. It’s okay, because I guess it’s better than the silence, but I listen. I enjoy the ones that I like, I roll my eyes at the same ones that probably most real country people do, but then most of the time, I just can’t stop thinking about the words of most of these songs I’m hearing. I’m one of those people that is pretty good at picking out the words to songs the first time I hear them, so believe me when I say I’m not mishearing the words that are so offending me.
And that is why I am writing this. Because this supposed “New Country” has morphed into something that utterly appalls me.
But here’s the thing. I could be writing this about pop music. I could be writing it about rock, classic rock, metal, indie, dubstep, bluegrass, WHATEVER. It COULD apply to any music genre out there, but I’m just sitting here still smelling like a sweaty horse, and writing it about country music because that is what I hear every morning.
So basically what I’m saying is I think they need someone clever (like me) to rename a lot of the songs they’re playing on the radio for the world to hear.
“This Bar Is Too Loud For Me to Hear Your Name But Let’s Go Have Sex”
“All Night Long Soul Kiss Actually Means Lots of Sex”
“We Had Premarital Sex But Now That We’re Married It’s Still Exciting So That’s Okay Right”
“All I Can Think About Is Having Sex With You”
“Your Jeans Are Super Hot, Which Means That I Care About Your Body Instead of Your Face or Personality, So Let’s Go Have Sex”
“Your Hand on My Leg is Sexually Arousing Me, And I’m Having Trouble Staying on the Road” (Me: IDIOT WOMAN, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BOTHER SOMEONE WHEN THEY’RE DRIVING)
“This Guy is Kind of a Loser, So I Guess I Should Have Heeded My Good Mama’s Advice and Not Hooked Up With a Jerk In the First Place, But Now I’m Emotionally Invested In Our Relationship So Ouch”
“That Guy Sucks”
And it just goes on and on and ON. Do you see what I mean?? And then there’s just the ones that make me go “whaa??”
“I’ll take you for a ride on my big, green tractor; we can go slow, we can go faster” Me: “Is that a euphemism?? Is it? ‘Cause I really hope it’s not.”
“Hair down, Shoes off, etc. etc. That’s how country feels” Me: “Yeah that’s pretty cute, but if we’re going off of 95% of the other country songs we’re hearing, apparently country feels like having sex with some stranger you met in a bar, or at a redneck party. Oh yeah, sounds like a BLAST.”
Here’s a couple others I renamed:
“I’m a Loser At Everything I Do, So I’m Just Going To Sit Here And Drink Beer And Lose At Life”
“I Suck At Stuff, But If You Give Me Beer I’ll Do Anything, Even If I Still Suck At It”
“All I Want To Do Is Drink Beer”
“Rain=Corn, Corn=Whiskey, Whiskey=Sex, Ultimately”
“Gotta Make ‘Em Wanna Come Back For More (STD’s??)”
I could go on, but I can’t remember any others right now. I’ll end on a good note and say that there are a few that are very sweet, and good songs. Anything by The Band Perry? Awesome. (I think, lol) But sometimes I’m just like… how can songs about sex, and then a song about a kid teaching his daddy not to swear and his daddy teaching him to pray belong in the same music genre?? How? Honestly, people. Honestly.
I realize that this is controversial, and I’m sorry if I offend any country music lovers out there, but I just had to get this off my chest because it was just bothering me. People are using music as an excuse to objectify other human beings, sing wantonly about premarital sex, how losers have wrecked their lives, and how sexy that lady looks in her jeans that are “cut just right”. Thing is, is that it goes both ways, there are just less woman country singers singing that way about men so it doesn’t get as much attention.
You wanna sing about country?? Sing about the beautiful land God has given us to BE country on. Sing about early mornings and working hard, and good clean sweat, and teaching your kids how to rope a dang horse or take good care of their farm animals, and how good clean spring water tastes after you’ve been working. Sing about how strong that beautiful country wife of yours is to help support you and your ranch, and all the craziness you have to deal with. Sing about having good family dinners on Sunday afternoons, and cookouts with the closest neighbors that live six miles away, and knowing that your kids are getting a good, healthy, Godly education at home. Sing about how good it feels to have earth in your hands and know that you built this place from the ground up. Sing about the sun being birthed from the morning fog and bathing the green, fertile land with life giving gold. Sing about that. ‘Cause that’s Real Country, folks.
So get over your sex complex, please, and sing about Real Country.
Thanks for Reading.